What A Boob

One of the funnier images following a Google search for 'push-up bra'


So yesterday I went to Banana Republic and bought a new outfit. I just cannot resist the temptation of clothing, it seems. I decided to be a bit daring for once and bought a shirt that comes so low in the front and back that it requires either no bra, or an invisible one. Thus began my quest to find an invisible bra ( You can find a photoraph of the invisible bra below, or maybe you can't... Hence the name).

It was already past 10:00 P.M. by the time I decided that I absolutely had to accomplish this mission immediately, and there being no 24-hour Victoria's Secret in Jacksonville (though there DAMN WELL SHOULD BE... for lingerie emergencies such as this) my only choice was Wal-Mart. Yes, I said it. I went to Wal-Mart to find a bra. Luckily, there was a small selection of little suction-cup type coverings all for the very fair price of $6.00. I grabbed a set labeled 'push-up', pausing to contemplate the Vicki's Secret slogan 'Even Angels need a little lift'. So off I went, to the check-out counter. Now let me say, I'm not usually an extremely shy gal when it comes to purchasing feminine necessities, but carrying that horrid, hot pink, Power-Puff-Girl-Flower sprinkled, little box with the label 'Water Push-Up' on every damn side... well, I felt myself longing to shrink more and more. I simply walked up to the first register I saw, which, lucky for me, had but one man in line. Surely my turn would come quickly, and the indiscrete box of pure pink evil would be tucked away safely in a bag (along with my dignity) before the man of my dreams or an ex-boyfriend could walk up!

I soon found out, though that the thirty-something black man donning the lime-green pimp suit in front of me had about 600 items of clothing to purchase. I eyed the empty line beside me, but was frozen in fear of being spotted by the imaginary hot guy I'm always waiting for... and ladies, you know the hot guy only comes when you're in an embarrassing situation or having a bad hair day; so I gritted my teeth and waited. After what seemed an eternity, he finally finished up, but right as I was getting ready to step up to the plate the cashier turns to me and asks "Are these your DVDs?" Before I could explain that no, as much as I fancy 'The Little Engine that Could' and am a huuge fan of Elmo's work, I was not, in fact, prepared to purchase either or... Lime Pimp (Limp, for short) broke in that they were his, and that he very conveniently wanted to pay for those seperately. Apparently he was the grim reaper in disguise, attempting to thwart me through my impatience and vexation. My time did finally come though, and believe-you-me, I ran the hell out of that Wal-Mart... Half anticipating an elaborate and highly publisized robbery in the parking lot. It would have been a very climactic ending anyway.

Anyway... I tried the things, and it just resulted in a full night of worrying that my breasts were going to fall off. I got greedy with the whole push-up thing - I think they were too heavy or something. Needless to say, I will not be returning to Wal-Mart to fullfill my next undergarment need. A girl has enough problems without having to worry about her breasts staying put.