Les Horribles

Last Tuesday night, after two weeks of lethargic preparation, the Kent campus Honors French class put on a stage show as a part of the school's 'International Culture Day', held in the campus's auditorium.

The focus of our show was to be the French Revolution--Revolution Francais. The program consisted of a song sung by "Charles Gaultier" followed by two songs sung by "Isabelle", a French poem, "Robespierre", dialogue from "Napoleon" and "Josephine", dialogue from "Louis the 16th" and "Marie Antionette", a spiel about La Marseilles (the French national anthem), and then... the grand finale... La Marseilles sung by the class. Oh dear God; why?

Aside from the fact that we are a college FRENCH class, not a junior high school CHORUS class, we had the added stress of our professor's horrid organizational abilities. No one knew what to do, what to say, where to be, until about 15 minutes before the abomination was scheduled to commence.

Thanks to the powers that be, however, the class includes one talented student: Brian, the gay guy who came from an arts school. A fabulousss friend of mine, and a great singer, Brian saved the day by performing the Charles Gaultier song in all of his gay glory (because as we all know, only gay men can really sing). During the pre-show practice, though the french professor approached Brian with a funny, little, red, felt hat in hand. She said to Brian with a suggestive air, "This is the hat that people wore to show their support for the Revolution; someone needs to wear it during the show", nearby classmates turned and erupted into laughter. Rude--true (Isn't that the American way?), but you'll understand all momentarily. On seeing the cap, and catching the madame's drift, every stylish, gay particle in Brian's body went "Pardon moi?!" and began to scream like a horrified, little girl who just witnessed a kitten get run over... "EEEEEEEK!" was written all over his face. I do believe he began to hyperventilate. For your viewing pleasure:




Apparently Papa Smurf was an avid supporter of the French Revolution

Afterward, "Isabelle" had a song to sing. This was performed by a professional who was invited from outside the class to join in and save the day. It was a lovely piece, and she looked ravishing.


I had one line in this production doomed to failure: "Et maintenant, voici Zoe avec La Marseilles." For this, I ran out onto the empty stage, screwed up a few words very quickly, and ran back into hiding, where the rest of the class waited dreadingly behind scenes for the big moment:



When that moment finally did come the class filed out onto the stage, and I, of course, being as short as I am had to stand directly in front to soak up all of the humiliation. Fuck you, God--Why'd you have to make me into a midget? A French flag was then handed to my friend and I out of nowehere to hold; this causes me to make a sad, confused face, and at that the horrid singing began. The entire song was belted so blatantly off-key and apathetically that I couldn't help but to burst into a fit of uncontollable laughter during one of the failed high-notes. It seems I always find humor in the mortifying events of my life. The audience apparently catches on to the trend as well because (as I caught a quick glimpse of) our professor went ahead and donned the red bonnet herself. Oh dear, Lord... if only eyes doubled as cameras.

In the end, we escaped with our lives, if not with our dignity, and successfully annihilated all the beauty of the french language. It was an event to make even the most patriotic Frenchman vomit on himself to the sound of his own country's anthem, as well as enough to make the madame hate Americans. In fact, I would wager that it is probably the true reason for the rioting in France.

To wrap it up, here's a pic of the final number of La Marseilles:


"Viva la France!"