The Worst Story Of All Time

So I was driving to work today.. made a promise (according to my schedule) to be there by 1 P.M., but en route a storm developed out of nowhere. All of a sudden everyone was getting out of their cars and standing in the street, staring at it... and then I had an epiphany: "That's sooo weird - the wind is blowing toward the storm," I said. Then the ground below opened up to reveal the alien life form planted all those innumerable years ago... He had this big, goofy grin on his face... and he was so hyper. He kept jumping up and down on cars and yelling all sorts of none-sensical things about Katie Holmes and Scientology and Brooke Shields and drugs... I mean, it was really frightening. People were running and screaming, but he just kept chasing us down... You could literally see everyone's brain cells as they got vaporized by his ranting!!! One right after the next! I feared for my life, but by pure, inexplicable luck escaped harm numerous times (even to be impossibly reunited with a deceased loved one by day's end). It was a close call; and you know what else? I swear to god, though even now no one will believe me... I saw L. Ron Hubbard standing, hiding behind a lamp post.

Needless to say I was late for work, and they were none-too-happy, brain-raping Tom Cruise or no.

An inexcusably horrible story, but a perfect way to flow into this fabulous one:

Tom Cruise sparks 'alien' panic

And I'm sorry, but this picture never stops getting funnier (courtesy of The Gawker, which coincidentally, is what he looks like):