Future Academy Award Nominees

I've been perusing through Rotten Tomatoes a lot lately, and this is just one of the many abominations I turned up:

Jurassic Park IV: The Extinction (Working Title)


Here's a review of the rumored "script" from Ain't It Cool News:

"...Some people adore the premise and get excited as soon as they hear it. Some people (including the person who gave it to me) are convinced it's the worst thing they've ever read and a signpost on the road to Hollywood Hell. Personally, I think it' well-written and certainly inventive, but I also think it just might be the single most bugfuck crazy franchise sequel I've ever read, and I'm not sure we're ever going to see this thing onscreen. It just doesn't seem possible that Universal would make something this vigorously whacked out...

...The script starts at a Little League game somewhere in America, an idyllic scene that quickly goes bad when pterosaurs attack the kids and their parents. It's a cool scene, and I couldn't help but immediately anticipate what might lay ahead. Dinosaurs in America. All-out warfare on home soil. This should be fun. In a series of television clips, we learn that this is the first attack on North American ground following months of this sort of thing in Central America and Mexico. The UN has created a task force to exterminate the dinosaurs. Awesome, I thought. A bad-ass heavily-armed United Nations task force versus the dinosaurs. Bring it on! But then the script throws its first major curve ball, introducing Nick Harris, an unemployed soldier of fortune. Nick's the lead in the movie. Not Alan Grant. Not Ian Malcolm. Despite all the rumors to the contrary, those characters are not back for this film. Instead, we meet Nick as he watches those same reports on TV that we are. He's approached by an ex-commander of his and offered a meeting about a job. He's warned that the guy he'd be working for is a little bit strange...

... which brings us to John Hammond. It's a great cameo role for Richard Attenborough, and he's said several times that he is looking forward to it. In the script's single wittiest scene, we catch up with the eccentric ex-billionaire who is now the most-sued man in history according to the Guiness Book Of World Records. He's been declared incompetent by his heirs and his company has been taken over by other corporations. Technically, Jurassic Park isn't even his problem anymore, but he still feels responsible for the dinosaurs and the damage they do. Hammond's got a big idea: breed some new dinosaurs that can't reproduce and introduce them into the wild population. A Judas strain that will kill off the dinosaurs within one generation. Easy enough, except the UN has outlawed any breeding of new dinosaurs by anyone and they've prohibited the sale, mining, or possession of amber worldwide. Hammond's got scientists ready and waiting to go, but he needs genetic material to work with. As soon as Hammond mentions where that material might come from, I thought for sure that I was ahead of the script again. Oh, of course! The shaving cream can that Nedry stole. He's going to hire this guy to put together a team of mercenaries, and they're going to spend the whole film on Isla Nublar getting picked off one-by-one while trying to find the samples....

...Nick Harris does indeed got to Isla Nublar, but he goes alone. He does indeed track down the shaving cream can that Nedry stole, but that's a mere five pages later. And as soon as he finds it, he's attacked not only by excavaraptors (think trapdoor spiders), but also by security rangers who work for Grendel Corporation, the mysterious Swiss holding company that took over Jurassic Park from Hammond. Seems they want those genetic samples for their own purposes... whatever those may be. Nick has to get off the island, evading his pursuers, human or otherwise. He manages to make it back to the mainland just long enough to hide the shaving cream can before the security team catches up with him and gasses him into unconsciousness...

...When Nick wakes up, he's in the tower of a medieval castle in the Alps. Seriously. That's the precise moment when the entire enterprise goes so over-the-top loony that you'll either go along with it for the entire insane ride or reject it roundly as a big bag of ludicrous. Nick is introduced to Adrien Joyce, the major domo henchman of Baron von Drax, CEO of the Grendel Corporation. Joyce isn't a moustache-twirling bad guy bent on torturing Nick into revealing where he hid the shaving cream can. Instead, he offers Nick a job, and in order to explain the job to him, he has to take him on a tour of the entire castle, which turns out to be a fairly sophisticated genetics lab where Grendel Corporation has been breeding some dinosaurs of their own design, cross-breeds that never existed in any era of nature with all sorts of custom modifications.

I want to tread lightly on what happens over the course of the rest of the film on the off chance that Mary Parent or someone at Universal is seriously going to make this thing. There's the eight-year-old-boy side of me that thinks that a DIRTY DOZEN-style mercenary team of hyper-smart dinosaurs in body armor killing drug dealers and rescuing kidnapped children will be impossible to resist. And then there's the side of me that says... WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?! Nick is put in charge of training these five dinosaurs, X1 through X5, and the first thing he does is name them. "Any soldier worth his pay has a name to answer to, not a number," he says. So we are introduced to Achilles, Hector, Perseus, Orestes, and Spartacus, each of them a specially created deinonychus, which is sort of like a miniature T-rex. They have super-sensitive smell and hearing, incredible strength and speed and pack-hunting instincts, and they have modified forelegs, lengthened and topped with more dextrous fingers, as well as dog DNA for increased obedience and human DNA so they can solve problems well. All of this is topped off with a drug-regulating implant that can dose them with adrenaline or serotonin as the situation demands."


And just because I love you I'm posting a sketched scene from the film (Click to enlarge):



Spielberg wrote that scene himself... You can tell because no one dies, even when they damn well should.

The real question? How would these ninja dinos fair against the original, kick ass, green ninja squad?.. You know who I'm talkin' 'bout... because they possess the most descriptive name concievable.



An even more important question: When will that be made into a film? I already have the title all worked out: Super Jurassic Warrior Dinos Vs. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Tagline: Over-abundant adjectives never kicked this much scaly, green butt!


Sidenote: the comic strip above is actually from the site qwantz.com , which is a bit of hilarious.