The Tee Says it All

My genius punnery for Friday the 23rd of September (whilst at work):

Visiting friend: We're going to go. Your belt selection is not what I expected... There should have been at least... 16 racks of belts.

Me: The name of the store is BELKS... not BELTS.

Oooooooooooooooh

Now That's Just Plain Cruel

Bizarre News:

September 21, 2005, 8:43:24

A dairy fiend is swiping milk off people's doorsteps - and leaving notes saying he hopes they like their cereal dry.

Home-owners in Berkshire have been baffled by their resident milk thief, who signs his handwritten messages 'Yours Sincerely, Your Friendly Milk Thief'.

One victim of the unusual bandit said: "The note just said: 'Do you like dry cereal? Hope so because we've drunk your milk. Yours Sincerely, Your neighborhood Milk Thief'."

Dairy Crest, who supply the milk, are not charging customers for stolen pints and police are currently investigating but so far have no leads.

Just one thought here: BAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA - THAT IS THE GREATEST PRANK EVER!!

I wonder if "Friendly Milk Thief" has any correlation with "Your Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man"? Something to ponder.


*****************UPDATE****************UPDATE*******

It appears that only moments ago the aforementioned "milk thief" was apprehended and brought to justice. Congratulations to the area police for their daring display of heroics during the final, desperate moments of the arrest.



Gallons of milk everywhere can breathe a sigh of relief.

Continuing our Dinosaur Theme...

One of my close friends is taking a class at FSU called 'Dinosaurs and Disasters'.

First of all - Fuck yessss.

Second - Here are a group of the awesome images that enter my mind when this class title is mentioned:


DINOSAURS!!!!!!!!!!

DISASTERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DINOSAURS AND DISASTERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




They should totally use every single one of those during a Power Point presentation.


(Thanks, Charles, for your contributions)

Future Academy Award Nominees

I've been perusing through Rotten Tomatoes a lot lately, and this is just one of the many abominations I turned up:

Jurassic Park IV: The Extinction (Working Title)


Here's a review of the rumored "script" from Ain't It Cool News:

"...Some people adore the premise and get excited as soon as they hear it. Some people (including the person who gave it to me) are convinced it's the worst thing they've ever read and a signpost on the road to Hollywood Hell. Personally, I think it' well-written and certainly inventive, but I also think it just might be the single most bugfuck crazy franchise sequel I've ever read, and I'm not sure we're ever going to see this thing onscreen. It just doesn't seem possible that Universal would make something this vigorously whacked out...

...The script starts at a Little League game somewhere in America, an idyllic scene that quickly goes bad when pterosaurs attack the kids and their parents. It's a cool scene, and I couldn't help but immediately anticipate what might lay ahead. Dinosaurs in America. All-out warfare on home soil. This should be fun. In a series of television clips, we learn that this is the first attack on North American ground following months of this sort of thing in Central America and Mexico. The UN has created a task force to exterminate the dinosaurs. Awesome, I thought. A bad-ass heavily-armed United Nations task force versus the dinosaurs. Bring it on! But then the script throws its first major curve ball, introducing Nick Harris, an unemployed soldier of fortune. Nick's the lead in the movie. Not Alan Grant. Not Ian Malcolm. Despite all the rumors to the contrary, those characters are not back for this film. Instead, we meet Nick as he watches those same reports on TV that we are. He's approached by an ex-commander of his and offered a meeting about a job. He's warned that the guy he'd be working for is a little bit strange...

... which brings us to John Hammond. It's a great cameo role for Richard Attenborough, and he's said several times that he is looking forward to it. In the script's single wittiest scene, we catch up with the eccentric ex-billionaire who is now the most-sued man in history according to the Guiness Book Of World Records. He's been declared incompetent by his heirs and his company has been taken over by other corporations. Technically, Jurassic Park isn't even his problem anymore, but he still feels responsible for the dinosaurs and the damage they do. Hammond's got a big idea: breed some new dinosaurs that can't reproduce and introduce them into the wild population. A Judas strain that will kill off the dinosaurs within one generation. Easy enough, except the UN has outlawed any breeding of new dinosaurs by anyone and they've prohibited the sale, mining, or possession of amber worldwide. Hammond's got scientists ready and waiting to go, but he needs genetic material to work with. As soon as Hammond mentions where that material might come from, I thought for sure that I was ahead of the script again. Oh, of course! The shaving cream can that Nedry stole. He's going to hire this guy to put together a team of mercenaries, and they're going to spend the whole film on Isla Nublar getting picked off one-by-one while trying to find the samples....

...Nick Harris does indeed got to Isla Nublar, but he goes alone. He does indeed track down the shaving cream can that Nedry stole, but that's a mere five pages later. And as soon as he finds it, he's attacked not only by excavaraptors (think trapdoor spiders), but also by security rangers who work for Grendel Corporation, the mysterious Swiss holding company that took over Jurassic Park from Hammond. Seems they want those genetic samples for their own purposes... whatever those may be. Nick has to get off the island, evading his pursuers, human or otherwise. He manages to make it back to the mainland just long enough to hide the shaving cream can before the security team catches up with him and gasses him into unconsciousness...

...When Nick wakes up, he's in the tower of a medieval castle in the Alps. Seriously. That's the precise moment when the entire enterprise goes so over-the-top loony that you'll either go along with it for the entire insane ride or reject it roundly as a big bag of ludicrous. Nick is introduced to Adrien Joyce, the major domo henchman of Baron von Drax, CEO of the Grendel Corporation. Joyce isn't a moustache-twirling bad guy bent on torturing Nick into revealing where he hid the shaving cream can. Instead, he offers Nick a job, and in order to explain the job to him, he has to take him on a tour of the entire castle, which turns out to be a fairly sophisticated genetics lab where Grendel Corporation has been breeding some dinosaurs of their own design, cross-breeds that never existed in any era of nature with all sorts of custom modifications.

I want to tread lightly on what happens over the course of the rest of the film on the off chance that Mary Parent or someone at Universal is seriously going to make this thing. There's the eight-year-old-boy side of me that thinks that a DIRTY DOZEN-style mercenary team of hyper-smart dinosaurs in body armor killing drug dealers and rescuing kidnapped children will be impossible to resist. And then there's the side of me that says... WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?! Nick is put in charge of training these five dinosaurs, X1 through X5, and the first thing he does is name them. "Any soldier worth his pay has a name to answer to, not a number," he says. So we are introduced to Achilles, Hector, Perseus, Orestes, and Spartacus, each of them a specially created deinonychus, which is sort of like a miniature T-rex. They have super-sensitive smell and hearing, incredible strength and speed and pack-hunting instincts, and they have modified forelegs, lengthened and topped with more dextrous fingers, as well as dog DNA for increased obedience and human DNA so they can solve problems well. All of this is topped off with a drug-regulating implant that can dose them with adrenaline or serotonin as the situation demands."


And just because I love you I'm posting a sketched scene from the film (Click to enlarge):



Spielberg wrote that scene himself... You can tell because no one dies, even when they damn well should.

The real question? How would these ninja dinos fair against the original, kick ass, green ninja squad?.. You know who I'm talkin' 'bout... because they possess the most descriptive name concievable.



An even more important question: When will that be made into a film? I already have the title all worked out: Super Jurassic Warrior Dinos Vs. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Tagline: Over-abundant adjectives never kicked this much scaly, green butt!


Sidenote: the comic strip above is actually from the site qwantz.com , which is a bit of hilarious.

A Story Worth Vomiting Over

Mmm, did someone say 'Buffet'?


Mud eater bugs neighbours

An Indian man has become a nuisance to his neighbours because of his habit of eating ther mud.

Barsaatu Lal collects mud in sacks to last him an entire week, reports Asian News International.

The resident of Karimpur Bind, in Uttar Pradesh, says he has been eating mud for the past eight years and prefers it with lime paste and water.

The 35-year-old said: "I was working on my farm one day when I felt this sudden urge to eat mud. I must have eaten only a little bit, but I liked what I ate.

"But slowly, the quantity increased and today I eat nearly two kilograms of mud. I think it really benefits me and I feel immense strength when I eat it."

Barsaatu’s "greed for mud" has reportedly led to frequent brawls with local farmers who resent his habit of scooping up "quality" mud from their properties.

Raj Bahadur, the village headman, said: "We want to request the government to kindly grant him an acre of land so that he digs there only and eats to his gratification.

"We are also thinking of getting him a trolley full of mud so he eats peacefully and does not disturb our farms."


+ =

Stupid Is As Stupid Does

Since last night the world has been continuously reminding me of how retarded it is...

CNNemax at Midnight

Let's start out with the news I watched yesterday evening. I can't remember what channel it was, but there was an 'exclusive' with Beth Holloway Twitty, Natalie Holloway's (of overexposed Aruba kidnapping fame) mother. This lady... she drove me nuts. She didn't seem the least bit concerned for her daughter; it's beyond that now. But who can blame her? She's famous because of it - so who the fuck cares? The little calendar at the bottom of the screen said she's been missing for like 104 days now - everybody knows the chick's head is mounted on some guy's wall somewhere. I also never realized that Beth Holloway is a politician - Jesus - she was a fucking pro during the entire interview. I kept forgetting who was the victim's mother and who the news anchorwoman was. At one point, Beth even took control of the show and threw a question over to some guy who was an expert in some field (like how much I pay attention to detail?). She basically said 'Now over to you, Dan'. She introduced him... I hadn't seen him before that. It was shocking - I almost pissed myself (Which, coincidentally, was the same reaction the hostess had). This woman had utter control of the entire program.

The most retarded thing of it all, though? The footage being played beside Mrs. Holloway Twitty on the other half of the split screen. Right there, beside Beth Holloway's big fat blonde head, were several home videos of Natalie, scantily clad in an itty bitty, glitter-flashy, dance uniform... shaking her ass on a football field... reeled over and over. I couldn't figure out if I was watching CNN or Cinemax. And I mean they continuously played it... It's grotesque that out of all the hundreds of kidnappings, rapes, and murders that go on in the U.S. and outside of it that we give this much ridiculous attention to one... Did the others not deserve maximum exposure as well?

I guess their dance videos weren't so hot.


Part II: The Morning After

Today, as always, I finished up with my classes and held no intentions other than to get home and relax. I headed to my car, hopped inside, and cranked up the engine.... that's when I noticed it: a small flier stuck on my windshield wiper. I took a second to contemplate just driving off with it still stuck there, but then decided that I'm a bad enough driver without the added danger of a piece of paper stuck on my windshield... The situation could erupt into a bloodbath for soo many different reasons. So I get out of the car and yoink it off of my vehicle; I then look around at the other cars in the parking lot... No fliers on their cars. Damn those who attempt to obstruct the view of my front window! I now have two choices: chuck the index card-sized paper onto the gravel, or give it a chance. I don't like pollution, so it was option B. The card read 'THE REVOLUTION' in bold, psychedelic lettering. The front displayed purple and blue glazed photos of young, attractive, hip teenagers posing, making 'Come and get it' gestures.

Definitely a church flier.

I read the first two paragraphs which were the usual evangelistic mumbo jumbo aimed towards teens... "Revolution has tens of thousands of members... Revolution is a young adult based ministry formed in Jacksonville... Something about Christ..." Bla Bla Bla (paraphrased, of course). How these sheep found the (most likely) only agnostic person's car in the entire parking lot is beyond me... but I guarantee they didn't count on that person having a humor blogsite with the sole purpose of mocking exactly such things. The last laugh is mine... and it came with the ending sentence (and I quote):

"At REVOLUTION we care about our city and it is our aim to make it hard to go to hell in Jacksonville."

Well, thank God for that.


Is this Completely Appropriate?

On arriving home, after the flier incident, I went to check the mail - nothing special, as always. I noticed that there was a little magazine with a fall scarecrow on the cover and it interested me. The magazine was called 'Fleming Island Life', which is odd because I don't live in Fleming Island, but that's neither here nor there. I flipped through a few pages, and one article caught my eye in particular. It was entitled "New Orleans Style Fall". Now you tell me if this is insensitive or not: the description above the first paragraph began...

"Florida and New Orleans have a lot more in common than just football and hurricanes..."

That just sounds like the beginning of a bad joke to me... Like the next line was going to read, "We're also both surrounded by water."

News Flash:

Topher Grace might play Venom in the third installment of 'Spider-Man'

and

'The Brothers Grimm' is the worst movie I've seen in twenty years, which is the length of my existence on this planet.





Someone let me know when films start to make sense again.

A Prom Story

About a week ago, my friend, Matt, invited me to a birthday party/"mock prom" at Henrietta's, downtown (at my request). I had never been to Henrietta's before last night, and it sounded like a neat place, as well as a neat idea - I will also accept any opportunity to dress up that I can. Besides, a mock prom with alcohol and a chance to meet tons of new, possibly cool people? I'm there.

But a problem presented itself: a mixture of nervousness, shyness, impending boredom, and loneliness, mixed with heaps of alcoholic beverages can only mean one thing... as you'll soon figure out. Good thing I brought my digital camera along.

Let's start at the beginning; shall we?

My gal pal and I get all dolled up and snap a few glamour shots before heading out the door:




God, we're sooooooo pretty.

P.S.- Pun sooo fucking intended.

I drive (sans female friend, actually) to Matt's apartment in Riverside, and after a few compliments on my hair and makeup...


...we pick up a friend and head to Henrietta's.

On arrival the place looks real artsy and trendy. The spot must have been an auto repair shop at one point because the front of the building is nothing but giant garage doors with innumerable amounts of windows. The whole place has a very neat vibe... murals and paintings and modern furniture... not a typical Jacksonville chain restaurant.

We enter through the main bar and head straight to the back stage area where the "prom" is being held. It's 9:00 P.M. at this point: the scheduled time for the party to begin... which means we were two hours early. The party coordinators explain that the music guy is running late, and assure us of the onslaught of guests to come. The five of us who were uncool enough to show up on time sit in silence, immersed in confetti. As I watch the photographer set up her camera, and stare longingly at the birthday cake, I snap a quick pic of the tomb known as the main dance area:


That's one bright flash.

I contemplate asking someone to shoot morphine directly into my eyeballs, but at the risk of sounding too retro, I ask for a drink instead. Matt, as any good prom date should, then begins a 10 minute long quest to buy us a few drinks from the one bar in an attempt to keep me from skewering my eyeballs with the heel of my shoe.

After an awkward and slow-going conversation between my new friend, Charles, and I, Matt returns with sweet alcoholic relief in hand. I down the drink Robert Downey Jr. style and bat eyes for another. This is the point where Matt realizes it's not such a good idea to bring alcoholics out as dates...

Finally, the other guests start arriving, as well as the music guy. Matt very politely and thoughtfully introduces me to everyone, though I believe an hour goes by before I gain the chance (and minumum alcohol level is reached) for me to start having flowing conversations with people.

A few more hours pass by, and I begin to feel as though more alcohol may not be the most intelligent decision; lucky for bartenders everywhere, however, I keep a mental bat on reserve in order to beat the shit out of common sense, manners, and good reasoning, for just such an occasion.

In case you were curious, I've prepared for you a list of my drunken prom antics:


I could not stop talking about the fact that I possess property rights to a vagina

...or how good of a deal my dress was

I actually whooped several times during the "Prom King/Queen election"

I harassed a girl so incessantly about her hair that she probably thought I was an interested lesbian

I started to fall asleep in the dance room thrice

Several times I eluded to a recent tragic love affair of mine, and dramatically held my head in my arms repeatedly

I made it widely known, and even demonstrated, that I know all of the words to "Baby Got Back"

I spilt beer on myself three times

I very loudly and publicly choked on a cherry from my Amaretto sour

I plugged my blog to two different strangers

I slurredly and stumblingly counted to thirty in French to four different people (including myself)

I was corrected on my pronunciation by three different people I counted to (excluding myself)
Pretty sure I let someone grab my ass

I wasn't very good at standing

I continuously wandered off and had to be retrieved by my mock prom date

I almost single-handedly constructed an elaborate plot to take advantage of an extremely drunk girl in order to get my friend some ass

Though, admittedly, that last one is sort of just me being a good friend, right? The bestest best of friends. Also... I only plugged myself twice - that number could have been much higher. I also have to pat myself on the back for not getting wasted and dancing... Maybe that makes me cold and frigid and boring, but at least it saved my dignity. The last time I allowed myself to consume liquor and boogy down the result was not so pleasant:


What'dya want? I'm fucking white

Aside from my intoxicated presentation of what it must be like to hang out with Sybil, I must say I had a good time. I met some really cool people and got to wear a pretty dress, and the party planners/friends of the birthday girl did a very good job at recreating a high school prom. The prom court elections were rigged... just like in high school... and at the end of the night I sat drunken, by myself, while my prom date tried to get into another girl's pants. The only difference was that, this time, all of the drinking that went on was actually legal.

Aaaah, prom.

I'll end this post with the couple photo that my "mock prom date" and I had taken in order to capture the moment forever:

That could seriously almost be a 'Precious Moments' figurine.

Friday Night Blight

Want to know how I spent my Friday night, guys?

Laying in bed, eating a tuna fish sandwich, while watching the History Channel.

It's not even so much the fact that I stayed home and did nothing but watch TV that depresses me, it's more what I was watching: a documentary on the history of bath tubs. To be very specific: Roman baths.

The one thing that made me feel much better about myself? I wasn't nearly as excited watching it as the people featured were excited by discussing it.


*Blight- Something that impairs growth, withers hopes and ambitions, or impedes progress and prosperity.

People that Make You Feel Really Good about Yourself

While writing my apology blog (below) I was determined to find a celebrity comeback that was so horrific, so unlikely, and so reaking of desperation that it would be hilarious to mention. Hence, my Googling of Corey Feldman began.

I am now almost an expert on Corey Feldman; I could have a degree in Corey Feldman, which, as my friend, Matt, and I know, would be rather useless.

My favorite thing about Corey Feldman? His filmography, as listed on IMDb.com. I discovered that not only is it a list of Mr. Feldman's works, but soo much more than that....


It's a list of the worst movies of all time.


Here are a handful of my favorites from the list:

Abenteuer von Pico und Columbus, Die (1992) (voice) .... Pico... aka The Magic Voyage (USA)
Dream a Little Dream 2 (1995) .... Bobby Keller
Bordello of Blood (1996) .... Caleb Verdoux... aka Tales from the Crypt Presents: Bordello of Blood (USA: complete title)
South Beach Academy (1996) .... Billy Spencer
The Waterfront (1998) ... aka MAXIMUM JUSTICE!!! (USA: MIFED title)

The Thief & the Stripper (1998) ... aka Strip 'n Run (USA: DVD title)

Legion (1998) (TV) .... Siegal (The tagline for this movie is what got me). Tagline: Their mission was simple... Kill something that couldn't be killed.

Born Bad (1999) .... Marco

Citizen Toxie: The Toxic Avenger IV (2000) (as Kinky Finkelstein) .... Sarah's Gynecologist
THERE ARE FOUR OF THESE MOVIES? AND HE STILL ISN'T A LEADING ROLE!!?!!

My Life as a Troll (2001)

Bikini Bandits (2002) (V) .... Angel Gabriel/Himself... aka Bikini Bandits Go to Hell !! (USA: complete title) ... aka The Bikini Bandits Experience (USA: DVD title)

Serial Killing 4 Dummys (2004) .... Store Clerk... aka Serial Killer (UK)


And my absolute two favorites:


Puppet Master vs. Demonic Toys (2004) (TV) .... Robert Toulon

"Super Robot Monkey Team Hyperforce Go!" (2004) TV Series (voice) .... Sprx




God, he's so talented. Dance, monkey, dance.

The Onion: Funniest of all Vegetables

Are onions vegetables? Whatever.


God Outdoes Terrorists Yet Again



Officials Uncertain Whether To Save Or Shoot Victims

Nation's Politicians Applaud Great Job They're Doing

Area Man Drives Food There His Goddamned Self

Bush: 'It Has Been Brought To My Attention That There Was Recently A Bad Storm'

Complete Coverage -- Ohh, if you don't click that link you're just missing out.

Links for the Week

Pic of the Week: 'Where's My Dinner, Bitch?'

Hello, my neglected readers. Here to satiate your linking needs are some tidbits donated by friends (Thanks goes to Jason at OOFCATFU Thoughts and Matt 2). Enjoy.


For those of you with a sense of humor:

Mental Health Hotline

Raped Environment Led Polluters On, Defense Attorneys Argue - Now that's funny.


...And for the geeks (You know who you are) the greatest gift of all:

FINAL FANTASY VII ADVENT CHILDREN (The trailers are especially drool-worthy)

Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children Screens for PSP


Now excuse me whilst I go listen to my Final Fantasy orchestral soundtrack obsessively, and try to gain Japenese citizenship just to see Advent Children when it's released in Japan (ONLY) in the next few days. DAMN THOSE TEASING BASTARDS! I'd betray my country for a good Final Fantasy any day... and they know it.

Making a Comeback

Like when Corey Feldman started that awesome band: Corey Feldman's Truth Movement; or like when he starred in a movie that IMDB has never even heard of; or when he and LL Cool J headlined the stage version of 'Fatal Attraction'; oh - and when he was on that show 'The Surreal Life' and never took his sunglasses off... except, hopefully, mine will be a successful comeback - and with a whole lot less crying like a douche.


I have returned. After two weeks of the new school semester; a funky, busy, consuming schedule; and a job to boot... I finally have a semi-day off. Also - I ate food for the first time in days. Aaaah, necessary nourishment to sustain life, how I've put you off.

I've also put this blog off. Sorry to all five of you readers - I just hope I haven't lost you. Then again, if you stuck around after the New Orleans joke, appropriately *ahem* followed by the serious plea to aid Hurricane Katrina relief, I don't know if I could ever shake you.

In an attempt to make up for my lack of blogging of late I shall post more than one humorous news story today... as well as beg you not to leave me.


Just Another Reason to Avoid Marriage:

Teddy Claire Akin, 28, told sheriff's investigators in Ocala, Fla., that he had killed a hitchhiker and buried him. He turned over the victim's wallet as evidence, and police searched unsuccessfully for the body. The story came unraveled when the supposed victim turned up alive. Then "he started telling different versions of what happened," a police spokesman said. Police say Akin was having trouble with his wife, and hoped that the thought of being married to a murderer would be too much to bear and she'd leave him. He has been charged with making a false report, plus the theft of the wallet, which he had found. (Ocala Star-Banner) ...His sentence: 10 more years with his wife. (THIS IS TRUE News)


A London Times headline:

"Psychic's Crystal Ball Burns Down His Flat in Unforeseen Blaze"


Why Can't I Say 'No' to Anything Star Wars Related?:

STUPID, SOME ARE: Police in Janesville, Wisc., responded to a report of an armed robber at the Ramada Inn hotel. Witnesses pointed to the suspect: a man wearing a "Star Wars" Stormtrooper costume. But he wasn't trying to rob the place; he was a vendor at a science fiction convention, which is held annually at the hotel. "Apparently some people who saw him felt there was a threat," a police spokesman said. (Janesville Gazette) ..."These aren't the droids you're looking for". (THIS IS TRUE News)


And now, as promised, it's time for the begging....

Oh, please, pleaaaase don't leave me! I need you! You're the only ones who'll put up with me! Just a little longer... I promise I'll make you laugh* once. Pleeaaaase don't go!

End of beg.

*"Laughter" may come in form of chuckle, smirk, or grin... No guaranteed guffawing here, folks!

On a Serious Note

This is most of a transcript recorded between the Mayor of New Orleans, Ray Nagin, and Garland Robinette. It's disturbing; it's heartbreaking; it's enraging; but it's refreshing to see someone who cares enough to be angry... and just get the sincere truth out without any standard, political bullshit.

I'm posting a chunk of it because I know that if I simply link to the site most of you won't read it... but I gaurantee you won't be able to start without finishing..........

CNN just sent out the full transcript of the New Orleans Mayor's emotional and (understandably) expletive-laden interview on local radio yesterday: "excuse my French everybody in America, but I am pissed."

It's after the jump.

RELATED: Ray Nagin for President, Anderson Cooper for Secretary of Take No Shit [Wonkette]
CNN airs WWL Radio interview with New Orleans Mayor Ray ;

This is a rush transcript and may not be in its final format.

RAY NAGIN, MAYOR OF NEW ORLEANS: I told him we had an incredible crisis here and that his flying over in Air Force One does not do it justice. And that I have been all around this city, and I am very frustrated because we are not able to marshal resources and we're out-manned in just about every respect.

You know the reason why the looters got out of control? Because we had most of our resources saving people, thousands of people that were stuck in attics, man, old ladies. When you pull off the doggone ventilator vent and you look down there and they're standing in there in water up to their freaking necks.

And they don't have a clue what's going on down here. They flew down here one time two days after the doggone event was over with TV cameras, AP reporters, all kind of goddamn -- excuse my French everybody in America, but I am pissed.

GARLAND ROBINETTE, WWL CORRESPONDENT: Did you say to the president of the United States, "I need the military in here"?

NAGIN: I said, "I need everything."

Now, I will tell you this -- and I give the president some credit on this -- he sent one John Wayne dude down here that can get some stuff done, and his name is General Honore.
And he came off the doggone chopper and he started cussing and people started moving. And he's getting some stuff done.

They ought to give that guy -- if they don't want to give it to me, give him full authority to get the job done, and we can save some people.

ROBINETTE: What do you need right now to get control of this situation?

NAGIN: I need reinforcements, I need troops, man. I need 500 buses, man. We ain't talking about -- you know, one of the briefings we had, they were talking about getting public school bus drivers to come down here and bus people out here.

I'm like, "You got to be kidding me. This is a national disaster. Get every doggone Greyhound busline in the country and get their asses moving to New Orleans."

That's -- they're thinking small, man. And this is a major, major, major deal. And I can't emphasize it enough, man. This is crazy.

I've got 15,000 to 20,000 people over at the convention center. It's bursting at the seams. The poor people in Plaquemines Parish. They're air-vacing people over here in New Orleans. We don't have anything and we're sharing with our brothers in Plaquemines Parish.

It's awful down here, man.

ROBINETTE: Do you believe that the president is seeing this, holding a news conference on it but can't do anything until Kathleen Blanco requested him to do it? And do you know whether or not she has made that request?

NAGIN: I have no idea what they're doing. But I will tell you this: You know, God is looking down on all this and if they are not doing everything in their power to save people they are going to pay the price. Because every day that we delay, people are dying and they're dying by the hundreds, I'm willing to bet you.

We're getting reports and calls that are breaking my heart, from people saying, "I've been in my attic. I can't take it anymore. The water is up to my neck. I don't think I can hold out." And that's happening as we speak.

You know what really upsets me, Garland? We told everybody the importance of the 17th Street Canal issue. We said, "Please, please take care of this. We don't care what you do. Figure it out."

ROBINETTE: Who'd you say that to?

NAGIN: Everybody: the governor, Homeland Security, FEMA. You name it, we said it.

And they allowed that pumping station next to Pumping Station 6 to go under water. Our sewage and water board people -- Marcia St. Martin (ph) -- stayed there and endangered their lives.

And what happened when that pumping station went down, the water started flowing again in the city and it starting getting to levels that probably killed more people. In addition to that, we had water flowing through the pipes in the city. That's a power station over there. So there's no water flowing anywhere on the east bank of Orleans Parish. So our critical water supply was destroyed because of lack of action.

ROBINETTE: Why couldn't they drop the 3,000-pound sandbags or the containers that they were talking about earlier? Was it an engineering feat that just couldn't be done?

NAGIN: They said it was some pulleys that they had to manufacture. But, you know, in a state of emergency, man, you are creative, you figure out ways to get stuff done.

Then they told me that they went overnight and they built 17 concrete structures and they had the pulleys on them and they were going to drop them.

I flew over that thing yesterday and it's in the same shape that it was after the storm hit. There is nothing happening. And they're feeding the public a line of bull and they're spinning, and people are dying down here.

ROBINETTE: If some of the public called and they're right, that
there's a law that the president, that the federal government can't do anything without local or state requests, would you request martial law?

NAGIN: I've already called for martial law in the city of New Orleans. We did that a few days ago.

ROBINETTE: Did the governor do that, too?

NAGIN: I don't know. I don't think so.

But we called for martial law when we realized that the looting was getting out of control. And we redirected all of our police officers back to patrolling the streets. They were dead-tired from saving people but they worked all night because we thought this thing was going to blow wide open last night. And so we redirected all of our resources and we hold it under check.
I'm not sure if we can do that another night with the current resources.

And I am telling you right now: They're showing all these reports of people looting and doing all that weird stuff, and they are doing that, but people are desperate and they're trying to find food and water, the majority of them.

Now, you got some knuckle heads out there and they are taking advantage of this lawless -- this situation where, you know, we can't really control it, and they're doing some awful, awful things. But that's a small majority of the people. Most people are looking to try and survive.

And one of the things people -- nobody's talked about this. Drugs flowed in and out of New Orleans and the surrounding metropolitan area so freely it was scary to me, and that's why we were having the escalation in murders. People don't want to talk about this, but I'm going to talk about it.

You have drug addicts that are now walking around this city looking for a fix, and that's that reason why they were breaking in hospitals and drug stores. They're looking for something to take the edge off of their jones, if you will.

And right now, they don't have anything to take the edge off. And they've probably found guns. So what you're seeing is drug- starving crazy addicts, drug addicts, that are wrecking havoc. And we don't have the manpower to adequately deal with it. We can only target certain sections of the city and form a perimeter around them and hope to God that we're not overrun.

ROBINETTE: Well, you and I must be in the minority. Because apparently there's a section of our citizenry out there that thinks because of a law that says the federal government can't come in unless requested by the proper people, that everything that's going on to this point has been done as good as it can possibly be.

NAGIN: Really?

ROBINETTE: I know you don't feel that way.

NAGIN: Well, did the tsunami victims request? Did it go through a formal process to request?

You know, did the Iraqi people request that we go in there? Did they ask us to go in there?

What is more important?

And I'll tell you, man, I'm probably going get in a whole bunch of trouble. I'm probably going to get in so much trouble it ain't even funny. You probably won't even want to deal with me after this interview is over.

ROBINETTE: You and I will be in the funny place together.

NAGIN: But we authorized $8 billion to go to Iraq lickety-quick. After 9/11, we gave the president unprecedented powers lickety-quick to take care of New York and other places.
Now, you mean to tell me that a place where most of your oil is coming through, a place that is so unique when you mention New Orleans anywhere around the world, everybody's eyes light up -- you mean to tell me that a place where you probably have thousands of people that have died and thousands more that are dying every day, that we can't figure out a way to authorize the resources that we need? Come on, man.

You know, I'm not one of those drug addicts. I am thinking very clearly.

And I don't know whose problem it is. I don't know whether it's the governor's problem. I don't know whether it's the president's problem, but somebody need to get their ass on a plane and sit down, the two of them, and figure this out right now.

...................

You can find the rest of the above transcript at this link:

Nagin's Nightmare


Ways you can help:

Offer housing: MoveOn.org: Democracy in Action

Donate: Network for Good, Amazon/American Red Cross

The Straw that Broke the Camel's Back

My younger brother has become addicted to 'The Sims' game. While he's playing there's nothing to do but watch him play and egg him on/yell at him to do stuff.

A little while ago he let his Sims flood their entire bathroom...


My sister's response to this was: "Your bathroom looks just like New Orleans."


Oh how my entire family will burn eternally in Hell.

Celebrity Poker Revolutions

So I was watching 'Celebrity Poker' the other night, and Howie Mandel was one of the guest "celebrities". Did anyone else see this episode?? I certainly hope I wasn't the only one...

I tried to Google a picture of him on the show, but no luck... So I am posting the most similar one I could find... Now imagine this, but with latex gloves and a crazy hat. Why latex gloves? I have nooo idea.



He's obviously super pissed he didn't make the final cut for The Matrix films.

What happened to the wholesome, family-orientated comedian who did the voices for 'Bobby's World'?.. And what on earth inspired him to start taking fashion tips from Jeff Goldblum?



Jeff says he doesn't know either.

Like I Said... Worst Feminist. Ever.